Our Daily Show Interview! OSF Healthcare: Setting Boundaries When Kids Come Home
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ALTON - Welcoming a child home from college can be stressful for parents, but Rachel Brown, LCPC, has advice to make it a smoother transition.
Brown, a psychotherapist with OSF St. Anthony’s Psychological Services Department, encouraged parents and students to have an open dialogue about boundaries and expectations. She emphasized that each family is different, but there are a few key ways to minimize stress, check in with your student, and ensure the summer is a positive experience for all.
“I don’t know if there is a best way, to be honest, because I think it depends on your family,” Brown said. “I think it can be a learning experience for both parties.”
Brown suggested making communication a priority. To start the conversation, a parent might even ask their child what expectations the child has about coming back home and how the parent can make this transition easier for their child.
Many parents feel guilty or unsure how to proceed when it comes to asking their child to chip in on the bills or assume responsibility for their own chores. But Brown noted that having these expectations can “empower” your student to learn adult responsibilities.
She also believes natural consequences can go a long way toward teaching young adults how to manage their own lives. This approach can also minimize conflict.
“If you’re used to doing their laundry all the time, maybe stop doing their laundry,” she said. “If you notice it’s piling up, it’s making you anxious, try not to do the task for them just so that they have it. Allow them to experience the natural consequences of adulthood. If I don’t do my laundry, then I don’t have clean clothes, and that sucks. So just kind of enforcing those natural consequences can be helpful. Not telling them, ‘Hey, you have to do this.’ Just letting it be.”
As the student takes on these responsibilities and meets their parent’s expectations, the parent might become more open to negotiating boundaries, Brown said. She encourages parents to remember that their child is an adult with some autonomy, and it might take time to adjust to the new dynamic.
“As parents, you kind of have to check yourself and understand, this is an adult now,” she said. “They’ve been living quote-unquote on their own now at school for a while. So acknowledging that they have their autonomy, and they’re also an adult. But then you’re paying for utilities and they’re living in your house, so it’s having an even balance of allowing them to have their autonomy but also maybe setting expectations to make you feel more comfortable.”
With your child home for the summer, this can also be a great chance to check in with them and make sure they’re doing well. Brown recommends paying attention to any drastic changes in appearance, mood or personality. While some of these changes are to be expected as the student matures, major or concerning changes should be addressed. This is where open communication and an environment of support can be helpful.
Brown ultimately encourages parents and students to remember that growing pains are to be expected, but it’s possible to have a pleasant experience together with your student back in your house.
“I don’t think that there is a right or wrong thing to do in this kind of situation. Unless you’re blowing up at them and having screaming matches, then that might not be helpful. But I think it’s just a learning experience,” she added. “I don’t think it’s going to be a perfect journey for everybody. It’s really a learning experience and figuring out what works for you and what doesn’t work for you. Definitely not a one-size-fits-all.”
For more information about the Psychological Services Department at OSF St. Anthony’s, including how to make an appointment, call 618-474-6240.
